Life is strange. It has always been strange, but now even more so. We have been thrust into this “new normal” of staying inside and online this and online that, stolen from our everyday routines. But, it seems that I might be starting to develop Stocklohm Syndrome for this seclusion.
Adjusting was hard at first, my brain couldn’t compute what was going on. The first week felt like a dream now. I locked myself in my room and refused to come out. I knew that inside my room was clean and sterile, and I was at no risk of coming in contact with someone. This self-imprisonment lasted only about three days.
It was after this that I started coming to terms with what was really going on. I started having trust in the government again, and less trust in people. The scariest part of this whole thing is the people who aren’t taking it seriously. I think now, that is what I was so scared of at the beginning of this. People.
I am still scared of people at this point, but it isn’t as bad. I only go out when I absolutely must for groceries, and when I do, I clean every item after I buy it. It is reassuring to see people on social media do the same thing. It makes me feel less alone in this. I have always been a neat freak as some may say but in reality, I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, so if I don’t clean my item, my brain fixates on all the hands that have touched that item and if the people who have touched it washed their hands, you know just casual thoughts.
So, that has been one thing I have noticed in how life has changed. My OCD has definitely made itself known along with its relative paranoia. They really like to torture my thoughts, especially at night when I can’t sleep because my sleep schedule has turned me nocturnal. My thoughts are like a car crash, terrible but you can’t look away. That is what it feels like at 4 a.m. I can’t get away from the thoughts in my brain as much as I want to look away. But, that isn’t very new.
The rest of my day to day life seems to be following on a steady, yet new, path. I have always been a homebody and an introvert, so as the kids say, “I’m straight vibing.” I do miss my family though. This is the longest time I have ever gone without being able to give my mom a hug. When life was normal, I would see her every Thursday at work back home in Cambridge, OH. Yeah, I drove an hour and a half every week there and back for work, that’s whole other story. But, now I haven’t gotten my mom’s hug in a month, and I won’t be able to for probably another.
My dad is immunocompromised, and I have baby nieces and nephews, so I can’t risk being a silent carrier and giving it to them. I also don’t have a room at my house anymore as my nieces have moved into my old room. So, I can’t go home.
This is a good thing though. It has made me grow up. When I graduate and hopefully move away I wasn’t going to be able to see my mom every week. Sometimes the best way to do things is to rip off the bandage, especially for me. This way I don’t have time to think about it. It is a thing I have to do, and I can’t look back.
So life is different but normal. A new normal as everyone has been calling it. It’s different yet the same in ways. And things won’t go back to normal, whatever normal is or was. This is going to change everything, probably for good, I mean I hope I’m not the only one that hopes people continue to wash there hands as much as they are now. But, only time will tell. So, for now, I am going to sit with my thoughts and the unknown that I have actually become quite fond of now.
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